Happiness is in the heart, not in the circumstances. — UnknownThe way we make ourselves happy is unique to each of us. But the ways we make ourselves unhappy are remarkably common to all of us.So, perhaps, by not doing the things that makes us unhappy, we can create more space for deep and lasting happiness we long for.EMBRACING LIFE’S GIVENIn his book The Five Things We Cannot Change … and the Happiness We Find by Embracing Them, David Richo reminds us of these five immutable facts of life: 1. Everything changes and ends. 2. Things do not always go according to plan. 3. Life is not always fair. 4. Pain is part of life. 5. People are not loving and loyal all the time.These are life’s givens. They are bedrock facts of our existence. If you fight these truths, you will lose. You will become frustrated, angry, and unhappy.But, if you accept them as reality, and work with them, you can think, feel, and act much more effectively. You will be happy in spite of what happens to you.Let’s say a love affair you are committed to suddenly ends.A certain amount of grief and unhappiness is natural, perhaps necessary as learning from the experience. But, fighting the life’s givens can make us more than miserable.Fighting reality as it is can make us desperately unhappy, overly anxious, and hopelessly depressed. Here’s how it happens.We start by arguing the relationship “should not have ended.” But it did end. That’s our reality.Arguing with ourselves, with the other, or with the Universe that the relationship should not have ended puts us in a position of arguing against reality.What does that bring us? Frustration. Grief. More unhappiness.Worse, when we argue with reality, we lose touch with it. It becomes hard to orient ourselves, make decisions, and take useful actions.Action devolves into seeking relief from suffering that we created by fighting the givens. Such relief-driven actions can be dangerous, addictive, and soul-destroying. They are not the way to happiness.EVERYTHING CHANGES AND ENDSAccepting Richo’s first given–everything changes and ends–allows us to accept reality with greater equanimity.We accept the end of the love affair with grace, which gives us increased personal power with which to move on.We will still feel disappointed and saddened by this ending, but we will not feel desperately unhappy. We will feel pain but we won’t suffer as we would if we did not accept the ending.THINGS DON’T ALWAYS GO AS WE PLANAccepting the second given–things don’t always go according to our plans–means we do not have to complain, “this is not the way it should be.”Who says things should always go our way?No one but us. And saying so pits us against reality.LIFE IS NOT ALWAYS FAIRLife isn’t always fair. That’s true; that’s the third given.Again, it does not help to whine and complain that the end of a love is unfair. It’s best to accept the ending, learn from it, and move on. Try, try again.And yes, pain arises out of endings, failed plans, and life’s unfairness. That’s the fourth given.PAIN IS PART OF LIFEPain is part of every life. But pain does not have to be desperate, overwhelming, heartrending, and never-ending. We do not have to suffer unnecessarily.Researchers say we suffer more from an ankle broken by a rude skateboarder knocking us off a sidewalk than would if we broke that ankle sliding home to score the winning run for our slo-pitch team.In the first case, we suffer because we judge the break and the pain to be unfair. Instead of accepting reality, we fight it. We judge: “This is unfair; it should not have happened.” Thus, we layer emotional pain on top of physical, intensifying both.In the slo-pitch case, the pain is less because we feel good about how it happened. We accept the pain as the cost of being a momentary hero.Accepting pain lessens its intensity. Judging pain increases its intensity, and turns it into suffering.Instead of judging an abruptly ended relationship, we can say something such as, “This ending is painful, but I don’t have to make it more so by fighting it. I accept it as given. I’ll get through it. This, too, shall pass.”This stance enables us to avoid suffering; the pain passes more quickly, and easily.PEOPLE ARE NOT LOVING AND LOYAL ALL THE TIMEFinally, as we get on better terms with reality, we realize, sadly but not desperately so, that “people are not loving and loyal all the time.”Love fades, loyalties shift. This, too, is part of life; it is the fifth given.Accepting this given can make an ending less personal, less about you and your flaws, weaknesses, and failings. Seen from the perspective of the fifth given, it makes sense that other people change.Sometimes, those changes cause our paths to diverge. Connections become strained, and then break.Again, some sadness and disappointment is natural, even necessary. But much of it is self-created and unnecessary, caused by fighting what live gives us.EMBRACING LIFE’S GIVENS; CREATING DEEP HAPPINESSLike a sailor on the sea of life, when storms of change blow you off course, acknowledge but don’t fight them. Go with them.”We cannot direct the wind,” advises an old saying, “but we can adjust our sails.”Faced with one of life’s givens, focus on what you want, accept reality as it is, and adjust your course. That way you can go with the flow and move toward what you truly want to create.It won’t always be easy or effective. Difficulties and adversity will almost always get in your way. So be it. Accept them. Learn from themGive yourself time for appropriate sadness and disappointment. But don’t focus on your loss, or the pain that accompanies it. Accept loss as one of life’s givens and rise above it by focusing on what is nextBy accepting and embracing life’s givens, you will be better able to transcend negative feelings, and move in the direction of your heart’s desires.If you can do that, then, whatever life gives you, you will feel a deep sense of inner peace and freedom.Happiness will be in your heart, not in circumstances you encounter.————-> Adapted from the eBook Emotional Mastery: Manage Your Moods and Create What Matters Most–With Whatever Life Gives You!
Author’s Note: This article also published here.
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Bruce Elkin is a writer, coach, and consultant who helps individuals and organizations create what matters most-in spite of problems, circumstances, and adversity. His ebook Emotional Mastery: Manage Your Moods and Create What Matters Most-With Whatever Life Gives You is available on his website at: http://www.BruceElkin.com.
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