Sometimes, being in a love relationship is so scary that we’ll destroy it just to get out.
What? Destroy your own relationship? You worked so hard to get it! That doesn’t make sense…. or does it?
On the surface, you think that being in love is the greatest thing since sliced bread, but underneath you’re flailing and kicking and trying to get back to the status quo, which is you being alone and miserable. It sucks, but you’re used to life there. If Alone and Miserable were a bar, everybody there would know your name.
Did you know that this self-destruction business is coded into your DNA? Yep, you’re hard-wired to do this stuff. (What’s up with that?) We have a flight or fight instinct. Back in the day, it was what made you either beat up the caveman who stole your cavewoman or run away because he was wearing saber-toothed tiger furs, which meant he was obviously more aggressive than you were.
Nowadays, when things get too emotionally difficult, our fight or flight response is triggered and we start doing crazy things like stalking your lover’s house at 2am to see if there’s a strange car in the driveway or hacking into their email to see whom they’ve been chatting with.
But there’s a light at the end of this tunnel! You’re not stuck at the Alone and Miserable bar forever. In fact, once you become aware of the things you’re doing to sabotage your relationships, you can work toward stopping those behaviors and saying goodbye to Alone and Miserable and hello to Happy and Attached.
Find Your Fears
What are you afraid of in this relationship? Do you have any deep-seated beliefs about love relationships that have influenced how you view this one?
Do you love yourself? Are your fears based on current facts or speculations based on horrible past relationships? Are you engaging in “Worst Case Scenario” thinking? What usually motivates you to start acting crazy and doing self-destructive things? Do you feel better after doing them or worse? (Most likely, you feel worse and have only exacerbated the problem! Does that tell you anything?)
Are You Causing The Problems In Your Relationship?
Look inside. It’s a tough question. A lot of people have problems admitting when they are the one in the wrong.
Think about the bad experiences you had in your relationship. Did they all start after you triggered them?
For example, did you always fight when you were drunk? Did arguments start up because you wanted to wake her for sex at 3am when she had to be at work by 7? Do you throw a fit when he forgets to take out the garbage?
Ouch. Maybe you are the problem.
It doesn’t make you a horrible person. (Okay, it might, but even horrible people can learn from their mistakes and become better!)
Remember that humans are very easily conditioned to behave in certain ways based on their past experiences. (If you remember back to Psychology class, there was that guy Pavlov who conditioned dogs to drool at the sound of a bell. It’s the same for you except you’ve conditioned yourself to freak out and get super possessive whenever you’re in love. Personally, I’d rather drool.)
You can totally re-condition yourself to avoid these relationship destruction tendencies! It will take a while and it will take being 100% honest with yourself, but it’s do-able.
The key is to focus on the moment. Do not project thoughts into the future or drag up memories of the past. Live in the right now.
It might be time to seek help so you can work out your emotions with someone who has helped others through similar problems. It may seem like an impossible dream, but if you fix yourself, you could very well salvage a relationship you thought was doomed.
Author’s Note: Previously published here.
…
James Kern knows his stuff when it comes to fixing bad relationships. After all, he’s known as the “go to guy” for
struggling couples. To grab his free Quick Start Guide and video
instructions, visit http://www.backtogetherforever.com/ today.
Read more articles written by James Kern
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